I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
