Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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