I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
