I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
