my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
