Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
