I like my sex mixed with concussions.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
