I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My feet surprised me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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