Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
