it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
