Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
