If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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