I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
