You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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