my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
