i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
