Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
