I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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