drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
