Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
