God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
