we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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