i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
