I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
