She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
