If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
