I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
