The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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