my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
