I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Houston, we have a squirter
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
