Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
