i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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