Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
