i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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