I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
