those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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