and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
