Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
