Your face is a jimmy john
I'm jealous of your bromance
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
