i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
