What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
