Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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