I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
