i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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