so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
