then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
