I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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