You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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