Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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