Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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