He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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